Travelling by British Rail

On Monday September 24th, I had the misfortune to travel by rail from Newcastle to London.

I think the train in this picture was the same train because it was lots of fun, but unfortunately there were no sandwiches or lashings of ginger beer.

First phone India and the nice gentleman there will tell you that you can get a ticket very cheaply subject to availability. Then you tell him you already tried that and he asks you if you want to book the cheap ticket and you repeat what you just said. Eventually he quotes you £144 return but then you say I'll go for the Saver Return instead at £94 which he didn't tell you about. In the end I went to the station bought the ticket and booked a seat over the counter. I say counter because it was by then 5.30 and out of 5 booths there was only one open even though it was rush hour. In Britain all services except emergency stop at 5 or 5.30. Visitors - you have been warned! So if you see a half dead dog in the street, lose your passport or keys, see something suspicious or even want to hand in something you found, forget about it and wait till Monday morning.

Well, it used to be called British Rail but that was too easy and now we have private operators which is very good whereas public operators are very bad because the market knows best or so the nice Mr Brown tells us, or was it Mrs Thatcher, I forget which.

It is one of the laws of nature that if you plan to do something and you really must do something at a particular time, all the demons and gremlins in the world will be released to prevent the plan's success. And so it proved when I had determined to get to London in good time for my interview. Leave at 10.40.Arrive 1.40. Interview 3pm.

1. 9.30 am: We apologise for the late arrival of your train due to the failure of the scheduled rolling stock, wot is being replaced. And so, half an hour later, an ancient brown and grubby set of carriages were wheeled in.
2. It was smaller. There were not enough seats. There were no booking tickets on the grubby seats. In fact the numbers on the seats didn't reach my number. And so it was that lots of happy travellers spent a jolly time down the aisles and in the aisles and on their suitcases.
3. We apologise but there will be some delays due to a bridge bash near Peterborough. A bridge bash turned out to be a bridge collapse. Something must have bashed it you see. Anyway the bridge bash delayed us another hour but the nice man said we could go to Leeds instead and get in at about 3pm but there were lots of trains.
4. We would like to welcome customers who have just got on and apologise for the delay which was due to a bridge bash and ZZzzzzz. The buffet car is now open for drinks and snacks and is situated at the front of the train and a refreshment trolley will be available in a few minutes. Good news at last.
5. We are sorry but there will not be a refreshment trolley due to the fact that the corridors are full of people. We regret to inform First Class customers (will they dare? there is a slight expectant silence) - that food cannot be served on this train due to bodies lying around in the corridors and aisles. How the gods laugh at us!
6. 2.45pm: Thank you for travelling with GNER. Once again we apologise for your late arrival which was due to the train bash at Peterborough. We hope you have a safe journey and that you will travel with us again.

I really don't think there was any irony intended…