Please help the poor and sponsor an MP

Hello, my name is Davy Gravytrain, MP for Upmystreet North and I need your help. Please sponsor me or any of my friends who are worse off than me. Or you can “adopt an MP” and he or she will send you a photograph from the Algarve or some other second home for distressed folk, two or three times a year.

I know there are monkeys, chimps, donkeys, dogs and other assorted animals that you might think are worse off but believe me it's very hard living on a basic salary of just £60,000 a year. What with the maid, the nanny, the tutor and two cars to run. Oh and let's not talk about the private school.

I know that people say we get expenses. Not so! It's charity. It comes out of the social fund for needy and distressed MPs for necessary living items. After all, could you live without your 42” Panasonic LCD TV? Here I am cold and lonely in my lodgings in London getting state support and supplementary benefit as if I were a Pensioner! Sometimes I even have to pay my own taxi fares - though not too often. My wife - in her role as proxy MP of course - gets money for that. God knows what she does with it. How many times a day can someone go to Harrods? Still she tells me that the simple life does her good.

My Glaswegian brother-in-arms Tom Harris who was in the papers today says we should be grateful and he should know on £92000 a year and his £153,862 state handouts from the MPs social fund. That's a lot more than I'm getting! He too has fond memories of the simple life he used to have. Now he has to carry around the burden of all that money. He must be worn out as I am by all that responsibility.

Anyhow, that's enough from me. I can see the tears in your eyes. After all who would you vote for - a monkey or me? Who is worse off?

Please send any cheques to my account which is handled by my cousin to:

Mr Arthur Dayley, Offshore Accounts Ltd, Bank Street, Monaco. Or to any member of my family who will pass it on directly to me.

Perhaps other people in Newcastle have their own stories of hardship to tell? Are any of you suffering the burdens of an MP?